Pouring my heart out, writing until I know it is enough…I wish I could do that everyday. I want to experiment with how everyone says “writing is therapeutic”. But then the ego comes in the way. I don’t want them to think of me in this way or that way, I want them to think that I am not such a person. So the writing gets influenced.
I start thinking of the future in terms of a third person. “But what if they think of me or my past in a non-positive way?” So what? I don’t know anyone. No one even knows who I am, which is why I write anonymously. I have deep fear of others’ judgement. On top of all of that, I think deep down, I can be a good writer – without the ego in the way.
The ego gets in the way of not only my writing. In my relationships too. I do some things just for the recognition or for the labels. I want someone to identify me with such and such a thing. For example, I have been into meditation for quite a long time (about 16 years ago). By now I should’ve been an expert at meditation. But more than the act of meditation, we can say I like people identifying me with me being someone who meditates. I think it’s cool. Which is why, to this day, I keep struggling with meditating everyday.
But what if I had not let my ego run my life. Then I would have had a stronger handle in my life. Whenever I start something, like yoga, for example, it would be for my own well-being. That is why I preferred not to tell anyone the first time I started practicing yoga for 20 minutes a day. I wanted it to be my thing. Unfortunately, when I thought it had become a habit (about 6 months later), I started talking about it to close friends. So the intrinsic value of it diminished significantly. What I had been doing as a discipline to feel good became like a jewel to show others. And now it is another hobby that is difficult to practice everyday.
I think the same thing of writing/blogging. I do not want to tell others about it. I do not want the practice to be influenced by the would-be or could-be judgement of friends/family. Rather, I want to write. Period. Not as a costume or show for others to label me as a writer. But I just write because it feels good, because it is therapeutic, and because it will help me cope. Some are born to write, some are born to paint, some to do sports…etc. It is up to us to recognize and practice what feels good to us.