Author: zenreflexion

Writing as Therapy – Anonymous Blogging

Pouring my heart out, writing until I know it is enough…I wish I could do that everyday. I want to experiment with how everyone says “writing is therapeutic”. But then the ego comes in the way. I don’t want them to think of me in this way or that way, I want them to think that I am not such a person. So the writing gets influenced.

I start thinking of the future in terms of a third person. “But what if they think of me or my past in a non-positive way?” So what? I don’t know anyone. No one even knows who I am, which is why I write anonymously. I have deep fear of others’ judgement. On top of all of that, I think deep down, I can be a good writer – without the ego in the way.

The ego gets in the way of not only my writing. In my relationships too. I do some things just for the recognition or for the labels. I want someone to identify me with such and such a thing. For example, I have been into meditation for quite a long time (about 16 years ago). By now I should’ve been an expert at meditation. But more than the act of meditation, we can say I like people identifying me with me being someone who meditates. I think it’s cool. Which is why, to this day, I keep struggling with meditating everyday.

But what if I had not let my ego run my life. Then I would have had a stronger handle in my life. Whenever I start something, like yoga, for example, it would be for my own well-being. That is why I preferred not to tell anyone the first time I started practicing yoga for 20 minutes a day. I wanted it to be my thing. Unfortunately, when I thought it had become a habit (about 6 months later), I started talking about it to close friends. So the intrinsic value of it diminished significantly. What I had been doing as a discipline to feel good became like a jewel to show others. And now it is another hobby that is difficult to practice everyday. 

I think the same thing of writing/blogging. I do not want to tell others about it. I do not want the practice to be influenced by the would-be or could-be judgement of friends/family. Rather, I want to write. Period. Not as a costume or show for others to label me as a writer. But I just write because it feels good, because it is therapeutic, and because it will help me cope. Some are born to write, some are born to paint, some to do sports…etc. It is up to us to recognize and practice what feels good to us. 

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Feeling Good Post-Baby

Today I woke up with the help of my husband at 5:30 am because it was the feeding time of our first baby, whom I gave birth to 2 months ago. I like waking up early in the morning because it helps me with feeling energized the whole day. However, I do not usually wake up early unless I absolutely had to. Since I knew my husband woke up for the feeding at 2 am, I knew I did not have any choice.

After I had him, I always felt energized and happy. Almost to the point of being too happy to be able to sleep, which led to my being hospitalized later on. I did not realize how important it was for a new mom to sleep so that she gains back her old self. So I did not know I could be depressed too.

I felt energized enough that I took this feeling of elation/exhilaration for granted. So for the past week, I felt down and sad for no apparent reason. I felt helpless, as if it was Sunday and on Monday I have a very difficult exam I had not prepared for or even a job I disliked.

It felt so difficult to smile or even think positively; it was scary. It felt as though I had lost myself. After I had my child, I have started thinking about future projects. Prior to the birth I used to be someone who never had any future plans or even dreams. But now I have two dreams, but more of that later on. Anyway, since it was too hard to focus on positivity and happiness, I forgot my future dreams and that made me feel even worse. As though I was having an impossible dream. So I asked myself what had changed recently.

Thus,  I reflected on what was making me feel good. My mother is here to help me for the child for 6 months. It is best to have family support during this time. Since she’s here, I plan to take advantage of the situation and focus on what makes me feel happy.

Here’s the things that usually help me feel better that does not involve caring for my newborn:

  1. Wake up early – morning energy is best
  2. Eat what I like – homemade comfort food
  3. Do yoga – my 20 minutes yoga sequence (including 3 sun salutations)
  4. Meditate (connect to the Source) right after yoga
  5. Think positively: remember I am so lucky my mother is here to help me
  6. Drink my green tea – no wonder zen buddhists are after all calm and well, zen
  7. Of course, write – so therapeutic for me

And I plan to color my therapeutic zen coloring papers. I know it helped me before so I am sure it will help again. Also, smile when I talk with others, even if I do not feel like it. I know it will help send happy signals to the brain.

In general, following a routine and doing things that are healthy but forcing myself into doing them – such as flossing before going to bed also has been very beneficial to me in the past. I will see but I shall fight this down feeling with the same force it has come to me. It’s true good shall overcome the not so good 🙂